A New Experience

My dear friend Bobby Gregory died of a massive heart attack on Monday.  He was like a Grandfather to me.  I can only imagine how his real grandchildren feel.  I have never had anyone that I was really close to die.  Maybe close in the blood line, but I was not attached to them.  I was attached to Bobby.  I have never known what it feels like to MISS someone when they die. It hurts so bad.  I just think about all the conversations we have had in the past 6 months I have known him and it scares me to think about time healing wounds.  I don't ever want to forget the time I have spent with this man.  I wish I could call his cell phone and talk to him one more time so I could tell him I loved him and that he was not just another person on my 50+ mailing list at work.  He was my friend, outside of work.  I feel like I should not miss him this much because I don't feel like people will understand.  They say, "It is just hard to have a job like yours."  That isn't it,  Bobby was different than anyone else on my mailing list. He called me outside of work to tell me about his day and what he was doing, and I wanted to know.  I told him everything going on with me.  I would give anything to be able to hug him one more time and tell him how much he means to me. My heart is really hurting.  It honestly makes me mad to think I cant talk to him in person right now.  I just dont understand why someone so healthy was taken away so suddenly.  It seems unfair.  I am selfish, I know he is in Heaven with God and his wife that passed 14 months ahead of him, but I want him here!  I know he would never come back, but I just want to tell him how much I love him. I prayed and asked God tonight to please tell Bobby how much I love and miss him.  I dont know if God will do that, but I hope He does.  I think about the last time I saw him.  Literally a week ago!  I had to leave early to go to a meeting.  I hugged him and told him I had to go, and he understood.  I just hope he knew that he was not just another person I "served" at my job.  We talked about him coming to my wedding someday and I cant stand to think it wont happen.  Since I can equate everything to a song, here goes.  I think about the song Mandisa sings "God Speaking"  I have lost a loved one who I feel should still be here.  I know God is speaking, but it so painful right now I can't make out what he is saying to me.

Maybe I am a bad blogger...

This was supposed to be something for me to document on... and guess what? I don't do it. I guess I don't really know what to write that I don't know...maybe one person will read. Which is perfectly fine. I have been dealing with alot lately, thinking about college and how I spent my time. Some regreting, some thankful. I was a part of a ministry for a good deal of college and now that I look back on that time I am glad I did not feel a "part" of it. I see how these people treat me now that I am graduated and I think it was not worth the time. I really did learn some great principles from this group, but how much loving people did they really do? In my case, not much. I really tried hard to fit in, and I didn't. I really don't feel like I fit in anywhere. I don't mean to sound like some kind of depressing person that is "oh woe is me" all the time, but this really is how I feel. I know God is showing me something through all of this, and I have a feeling it might be something along the lines of, "I AM enough". God IS enough. Even if I look back at my college years and see a bunch of awkwardness, I am who God says I am, and HE is sufficient for ME. What relief that I don't have to wonder why the vast majority of the people who used to be my friends don't really acknowledge me anymore because I am "out of sight and out of mind". I guess I obviously do... but God is teaching me, and showing me Himself in all of this.

On another note, I feel like I am moving out of one phase of my life. I am so ready to get married and start a life with Stephen. I have waited oh so long. I feel like I am in some kind of awkward phase that I am ready to exit at this time. Are you catching the trend with my life?? AWKWARD! haha. I am guessing I am not the only person who feels this way. I believe I am awkward because I am a work in progress. I don't know when this "awkwardness" will end, but I have a feeling it won't be soon. And, I am ok with that. :o)

So here goes...

I don't get depressed about being out of college too often. I am enjoying this new stage of life and I am loving the new and exciting things I know can't be too far away!! The only thing that really hurts is losing friends. I try to keep in touch with certain people, and sometimes they don't even respond back. I hate to be this way, but that really hurts. I guess this is part of growing up and moving on, but I don't like it. To pretend that you never even knew someone that you once told some of your biggest secrets to. I suppose I have a tendence to overthink things, and I think that for some reason I am "flawed" and someone gor tired of me. AND it is my fault. I don't know why I automatically go to that thought, and I am sure it is not healthy. Am I the only person that feels this way??

So, maybe you have realized I am not the best blogger

Maybe you have discovered this by my lack of posts, or quite possibly my MAJORLY lacking writing skills! haha I don't really have alot to say, I only have my opinions. Who doesn't? I was so excited for this past weekend, but was sad to hear about the plane crash on Friday morning. The thing that gets me is that people sometimes see people in things like this as the "few" or "statistics". I just couldn't help but think about the family in that house. The mother and daughter were watching television when they heard an extremely loud plane over their house. The next thing they knew, their ceiling was on top of them. The father had gone into the dining room to do some work. He did not make it. Can you imagine? Here I am, right now, doing my thing, and the next second a plane lands on my house. That just blows my mind. The girl in the house was 22, like me. I just feel so burdened to pray for that family, along with everyone affected by the crash. I could not fathom losing Stephen, or my Father. It honestly sounds like a nightmare to me.

On a lighter note, this weekend was fun at home with Stephen. He took me to a nice Mexican restaurant. We had such a good time! Is it bad that I like to sit in his lap? I did this while we were waiting on a table, as there were no seats left and I wonder what people are thinking when they see me do this? Is it just too much? We then went to Roper Mountain Science Center to the aquarium. We had a great time. Saturday we cooked breakfast together, shopped, and cooked dinner together. Stephen made me the sweetest DVD about the past, present, and the future. The future of course had us married and our "dream house" we are always talking about, along with a weimaraner dog, and a Range Rover. The Range Rover for Stephen of course. I am not too much into cars. I have my dream car! My red Toyota. ANYWAYS, it was really sweet. I love that boy. He is so wonderful and patient with me. Anytime I meet guys and they act interested I cant help but think, " You think you can put up with me? HAHAHA!" Stephen has a big job, and he is good with it. I just have to know who is boss. lol!

I cant help but think how it would feel to lose all of these wonderful things in one instant. It breaks my heart. I am definately praying for the Wielinski family.

Sentimental Erin

Not too much has been going on lately. How boring. I know. Actually right now I am thinking about how much I miss my Stephen. I wish I could see him right now. I haven't seen him for 2 weeks and I won't see him for one more. That makes me sad. I can't wait for the day that we can be together all the time. For those of you who think "ugh, she is so silly!" I promise, I am not this way all the time. Night just brings all the sentiments out of me. I am just very lucky, and I know it. Wouldn't it be great if I could feel this sweet all the time? I wonder if that would improve our relationship. To top this sickening blog off with a cherry I will sign off in my pen name...

Missing Him in Cowpens

***I might should delete this blog for my reputation, we shall see.

I have been tagged!

So, this is the 4th picture in my profile picture album. Jess, it definately isn't as interesting as yours! However, this picture does bring back great memories from Carolina football! I know what your thinking, "Good memories and Carolina football?" Yes, good memories. Even if we did lose! This pic was taken on the way to the Wofford game. There is an underground tunnel to cross Blossom St. I believe. The tunnel has all kinds of cool Gamecock murals, and I wanted my picture taken with Cocky! Stephen probably remembers this picture well because I coached him on how I wanted it taken and I was pretty picky. I wanted a long shot with all cocky! NOT a sideways picture. I would tag someone, but I really dont know many people who blog. So, if you read this, and you read my blog, let me know! You are tagged!

Update

My Grandfather went to be with the Lord last night around 11. No one was expecting it. His heart rate dropped and he left the world. It breaks my heart that I didn't get to see him yesterday. I was going today. No one was with him when he died. My Mother was there yesterday and he was actually hungry and she fed him some soup. We thought he was a little better. If I could tell him anything, I would tell him that I fully forgive him. God forgave and gave me a second chance, so I have no reason not to forgive him. I hope God let him know that when he got to Heaven. I am just so excited that Heaven will be our second chance to know each other. That is something to get excited about! God loves him, and so do I. Our God is mighty to save, even someone that hasn't lived most of their life for the Lord.

Everyone needs compassion

love that's never failing

let mercy fall on me

everyone needs forgiveness

the kindness of a savior

the hope of nations

Savior He can move the mountains

my God is mighy to save

He is might to save

forever author of salvation

he rose and conquered the grave

Jesus conquered the grave

So take me as you find me

all my fears and failures

fill my life again

I give my life to follow

everything I believe in

now I surrender

yes I surrender

Shine your light and let the whole world see

we're singing for the glory of the risen King

You're my savior

You can move the mountains

God you are might to save

You are mighty to save

Forever Author of salvation

You rose and conquuered the grave

yes You conquered the grave

You are might to save!

That is a song by Laura Story I have had on my heart all morning. Give praise! Our God is alive, and is MIGHTY save! He was mighty to save my grandfather from hell. He is mighty to save everyone. I can't wait to meet my Savior in Heaven. I can't wait to know my Grandfather either.

Title

I hope everyone is still enjoying 2009! I am still writing 2008 on everything. It will probably take me till March to get it right. Exciting news. I finally found the camera I wanted and bought it! I picked out the Canon G10. With 14.7 megapixels, it is amazing! I am still learning how to use it, and I think it will take me awhile. I am having so much fun playing with it. I can't wait to put it to good use! I love taking outdoor pictures, so I will put some up here when I have them.

Earlier this week my Grandfather had a heart attack. I saw him last night for the first time since I was a freshman in high school. Even then, I just happened to see him at a funeral. I wouldn't have even known him if it weren't for my mother pointing him out. Earlier this week, I decided that I knew I wasn't going to have a relationship with him, but that I want to know that he has accepted Jesus as his saviour. The next day I was talking to my mother about everything and she said that he said that he became a Christian in the nursing home he has been in. He said he talked to the chaplain it. The doctors say right now that they can't do surgery on him so they are just trying to make him comfortable. He will probably be dismissed from the hospital in a few days. I have no idea how much longer he has.

I was so nervous last night going to see him. I was just praying that the Lord would give me strength. He didn't look good. He looked very sick. He was surprisingly nice. I don't know what I expected. For those wondering, he has always been in the area, I suppose he just never cared. I am just so thankful for a second chance in Heaven to have a relationship. Even if he hasn't been around, it is hard to dismiss him. It breaks my heart more for him than for myself. He has missed out on SO much in his life. He missed his children and grandchildren.

Praise the Lord he is now a child of God. That makes death not scary. I can have a reason to rejoice for him. ( I am not wishing him dead, the doctors just say he might not have much time) I will look forward to knowing him in Heaven. Just think about how many friends we will have in Heaven! Isn't that exciting? I am ready for it.

Happy New Year!!

As the title says, Happy New Year everyone! I sit here, having thought about everything that I want 2009 to be. For the longest time I kicked the idea of a New Years Resolution to the curb because I know I don't ever really follow through for the entire year. However, this past week, my pastor said something that kind of struck me. He said that when we make New Years Resolutions we are striving to become better people, and essentially better Christians. I thought for a long time about how I have kicked out the idea of making any resolutions. I suppose I haven't tried to better myself as a person or as a Christian. Therefore, you see my "great" conclusion. I AM going to have some resolutions this year. I didn't think I would share what I have decided to try to do, because there is a chance I will fail. I told Stephen just the other day that I am not going to talk about people in a negative way just to have something to talk about. I am not going to point my finger at other people to avoid pointing it at myself. He told me it would be hard, and I am sure it will be. So, since I have told everyone this, if I am around you talking about someone you can call me out! Have fun! I am sure there will be a few people that will catch me! I just want to see the good in people and not the bad. I find it hard to believe that people could not be more good than bad.

Secondly, I talk too much. If you know me, don't lie, you KNOW I do. Some of the greatest people I know are gentle, quiet listeners. This is a quality that I would like to develop more of in myself. I don't feel like I talk for a bad reason, but I still do it too much. When I meet people, I want to make them feel as welcome as I possibly can. I feel welcome when people talk to me if I am new somewhere. I won't stop trying to make myself friendly, but I am going to TRY to muzzle the mouth every now and then!

To my friends, and whoever reads this. (I know there is a great chance that I am the only one reading this!) I hope you have a great New Year and that you don't give up your New Years Resolutions. They are worth it, and if you persevere, you may be successful with them. Hopefully they will be things that will better yourself as a Christian and bring you into closer fellowship with out Heavenly Father. If I could raise a glass right now, I would say, " To us in the year 2009 and to not being complacent with our selves. This is the year to change and be better Christians." Goodnight everyone!

****disclaimer**** The glasses above contain Welchel's Sparkling Grape Juice